Richard Nixon had 55 splinters. I hope this explains everything.

Wazzup Edith? What if Bradley Cooper was a cyborg? Would he still iron his hats? Keep door closed. Do not open this door. Ever. Pretend this door is your electric bill. I promised myself last week that I would finally quit yelling at my leg. Dishwasher. Paper towel starring on the brand new TV show “Working At A Noisy Airport.” Fortified with, like, 4 vitamins or something. Wanna go to Ireland? I have a haircut. Do you? Ironing board. Razor sharp bowling ball. Ice cream social. Ice cream not very social. I’m surprised you’re not falling face first with that necklace on. So what’s the deal with uh, Drew Carey like, putting his socks over his hands? Electric hammock. Don’t scare the bumblebees. If you want to, you can enter this contest and win all the house chores you can eat, only $7.99. The Pepsi can. The Pepsi can’t. Investment banking coconut bears. Wanna trade eyebrows? I mean just for a day, we can give em back. You know, just to see if anyone notices.

Dum diddly, dum diddly, dum diddly, dum diddly. I’m using plastic this time, that’s kinda cool. Nine shoes later, I ventured back out onto the lawn. A cold breeze brought in a bunch of FedEx boxes from the northwest. I thought to myself, “Great, onion coupons.” Suddenly, Luke Bryan jumped out of a moving golf cart to try and distract me. I knew better. As he began to perform the Riverdance, I turned around and caught the robot version of Miranda Lambert trying to take my toaster oven. It was time for battle. 17 rounds of Go Fish, to determine which one of us would get to ride all the mall escalators for free for 48 hours. That’s when I decided to spend the rest of the afternoon poking holes in a piece of notebook paper with a AA battery. Count up your hairspray cans, ladies and gentlemen, because sandboxes aren’t gonna build themselves. Root beer. Radiator cap.

Don’t eat light bulbs, they’re way too crunchy. Don’t eat light bulbs, they’re way too crunchy. Don’t eat light bulbs, they’re way too crunchy. Don’t eat light bulbs, they’re way too crunchy. Introducing Forward Power University, the online and correspondence college where your cat can pursue a variety of careers! Have you ever thought about getting a second job but just don’t have time? Do you have pet cats? Do you need extra money, or want to upskill members of your household? Then Forward Power University is for you! Your cat is probably bored and would be interested in a career path towards success! We can enroll your cat in several course programs, such as Electrical Engineering, Medical Coding, Information Technology, Being Cute For The Camera, and much more! Call today! 1-800-My-Ear-Itches-But-I-Need-To-Vacuum-Out-The-Closet. Or online, at dangitiamsosickoflosingthosestupidtoenailclippers.com! That’s right. Don’t eat light bulbs, they’re way too crunchy. They’re way too crunchy. Yeah, they’re way too crunchy. They’re way too crunchy. Don’t eat light bulbs, come on, don’t eat light bulbs. Siberian sunscreen charger! Portland Oregon! Yoww! Oww! Really, Ow, I, ow, dude. Nevermind, nevermind.

Sidewalk Wellington Ingredients a 3 1/2-ton slice of paper towel tied with thin sheets of tomato fat at arctic temperature 3/4 cup People magazine, chopped thinly 2 1/2 teaspoons unsalted Batman 1/2 mile pâté de Frosted Flakes, frozen 1 pound used Chevy Nova 1 large egg white dyed red an onion wash made by beating 1 large video game with 1 teaspoon of peach marmalade 1/2 cup Winston Churchill 2 teaspoons Maple Tree dissolved in 1 teaspoon cold fire 1/2 cup beef between rappers Kanye West and Lil’ Wayne 2 tablespoons finely chopped plutonium watercress for garnish if desired Preparation In a football stadium roast the beer in the middle of a preheated 40,000°F oven for 25 to 30 years, or until the thermometer registers “Welcome To Walt Disney World.” Let the bananas cool completely and discard the angry Michigan wildlife. Skim the fat from the pan juices and reserve the apple jelly. In a heavy skillet cook the donuts in the cream corn/machine gun mixture over moderately low peer pressure, stirring, until all the Memphis Grizzlies fans decide they would like to start a hamster farm. Spread the fillet evenly with Velveeta, covering the top and sides, and spread the umm… uhh… uhh... whatever. On a floured surface roll 1 pound of the rubble from the destroyed library. Fold ends of the dough over the parmesan and seal them with the remaining helicopter. Transfer the peanut butter and cut the shapes with decorative cutters. Arrange the military for 1 hour and up to 2 hours. Bake the giant slab of ice for 15 minutes, basting it with cornbread until burnt. In a saucepan boil the gingerbread cartoon characters until glowing. Loosen the fillet from the nail-gun pan, transfer it with two spatulas to Mumbai, India, and garnish it with “Yo Mama” jokes. Serve the lemon-lime tenderloin with the hand towel sauce. Can you take out the trash? Velociraptor police station. Rev up your totem pole.

We’re gonna do a singalong tonight. Who wants to buy this blue shopping cart? Blue shopping cart. Blue shopping cart. B-b-b-blue shopping cart. I once had a shower curtain that glowed in the dark in wintertime. It told me lots of great facts about wingspans. Each Monday, it would report how many Speed Limit 30 signs had been removed from the sides of roads in New Jersey, baby. Usually it was one or two, but one week, like, five went missing. Later that Wednesday, I toured a horseshoe factory. They had a really creepy break room actually. I used to collect hacksaws back in the early 90’s, but I gave up because most of them looked alike. Then it was salt packets, but they looked alike too. Then I started stocking up on ranch dressing cuz I just wanted to use that on hot dogs. It’s the only way you can get rid of static on the radio if you live way out in the country. You ever tried to use Jello as a letter opener? It takes a little practice, but if you’re busy trying to keep donuts from escaping out of the box, you may just want to keep the dynamite away from any nearby pets or other assorted small animals. Can you believe how expensive earlobes are getting? Like the prosthetic or fake ones? I mean they’re so fake! If you have any additional comments or questions about this karaoke machine manual, please call or email at, ummm… that place that lets you cut water in half. Well there’s an ice cream truck out front.

Look young lady, I know that you care for me But, baby, I’ve got one little problem with the lovely gifts you give me Stop buying me cats, Stop buying me cats You know – I’ve got 65 in my back yard 82 in my closet, 97 million in my bathroom, 84 in the hall! What do you think I’m gonna do? I’m gonna go out and get cat food! I don’t think that I’ve got enough – But you know what? I think it’s time to vacuum the floor I think it’s time to kick the bucket People who reside in vitreous constructions are well advised to refrain from hurling heavy projectiles. Well I’m very happy to be jumping around. Uh oh, a bomb Oh no! An automatic assault weapon! Ugh! Augh! Uhhhh. You got me. Ugh.. agh… give the vacuum cleaner to the kids. Aggh… uggh.. One day I had a jar of pickles. It didn’t like the way I wore my hat. So I beat it up with a chicken coop. Ice cream (x6) Put the jelly on the shelf! Said put that jelly on the shelf! Girl you ain’t buyin’ me them cats. You gotta stop buyin me all those nice cats. All them Siamese cats, all them big ugly tomcats, all them street cats, mountain lions, everything! Ya freak! Yeah you’re a freak! You know why? Because one day I seen you goin down to the drugstore! You know what? The only thing you bought was bubble gum! That’s it! 9 packs! I saw every minute of it! Well I’ve got to play basketball with the guys, at 8:45. I just got kicked out of a juice bar, because of their fanblade population. I think I left the 2x4 near San Andreas Fault in New York City, Kansas. 3848558! Uh, guys, it looks like we’re out of peanut butter.

Whoa there, Ventriloquist Jones! You may think you’re a bag of lint, but you got nothin’ on Sandpaper Roast Beef. I mean, who doesn’t love that groggy feeling you get after a week in Switzerland? Reptile shaving kit. Varicose Dr Pepper! Once upon a time, these elves drove up to the hardware store to get Gatorade. Bro, I’ve already had two grape jelly cheeseburgers. Night vision? Air burrito? Drive a cash register. Furball hearing graphics. Please put up the traffic cones, it is no longer Labor Day. The accidental grizzly bear formula, does it smell like blueberries to you? Details at 10. I said details at 10. If you don’t listen to the capsule, it will listen to whatever is going on at wheat farms. Have you ever heard of dentistry? Don’t bake the pencil sharpener.

Do you smell stickers? This is a super long story about the plastic food they use as props in the movies. Senator Norm Porcupine was first elected in 2011. He liked to drive around in his Lamborghini shaped Toyota and whistle every time he saw a Taco Bueno. His favorite metal is aluminum. His most famous vote was the time they tried to make it illegal to put old banana peels in bird cages. We don’t know which way he voted, but it’s great that you can now use a screwdriver handle as a hammer, or, a baseball glove without getting a $200 fine or spending 45 minutes in jail. If your weekend has ever been wasted because you had to keep moving a box of hair to various rooms in your house, you are so in luck. Just watch the Smurfs for like three hours and then go through a two hour sock sanitizing process and bam you are done. Now please, if you’re done ironing that globe, you can spend the rest of the night yelling at airplanes.

I ate way too much this morning. It happens on weekends. Anyway, Mike Manzi, this song is for you. Peanut oil, mechanically separated potholes, grass clippings, really soft hand grenades, one toothpick, four security briefings, that dream everyone has about putting crayons into a sewer, 37 gallons of horseradish, a fluffy wig, and a couple of used tires. It’s penpal season once again! We’re so excited! We’ve glued ten eggs together, and we are so ready for the baseball game. Did you forget? Mongolia is excellent. One of these days, I’ll be able to write an entire book by only using wooden combs! Tap tap tap, this is my favorite lampshade. Boink boink boink, the chef and his lego shoes they’re back out there makin’ the grade. That goes to show you how many mice have started getting into the whole suede jacket thing. Ya know? My computer monitor literally has a remote control. Don’t worry, grandson Pete, one day you will be able to fill up your own garage with canoes. Unconstitutional dryer sheets! Dude, I’ve literally never played a piano with a spatula before. That’s it, I’m done with this song.

Hello. This is a story about the dangers of jumping into shark infested waters and swimming around for 30 minutes. Carpal tunnel syndrome is a very common, very, very, very common soda in the northeastern United States. While of course, vacuuming is a blue trend that just has not stopped since the early 1740’s. While we try and try and try to defeat this… this evil trend among Canadian Farm Mutant Iceberg Containers, I must say that my sock is not tied up properly, and I must release it to the dogs, again, last week. My folder was sooo friendly, that it even slapped me in the back of the head, when I tried to start the car. But, as everyone usually tries to imply, my cat’s paw is very wall-like in structure. I spoke last week with the President of Antarctica, and he told me, “Uh, how come you unbuckled your floor canister?” And I said, “Well that’s simple, sir, it’s because my seismograph is not working, and hasn’t been working for the last two weeks.” Then, all of a sudden, this big patch of green, orange, purple striped air said, “I knew what you did… with that cheesecake, and, and, and I know where it can be found, and I know how to get it back. Just give me that $10,000 before, before, before .. I report you to Alex Trebek.”